It's Coming

It's here, PCS season.  This one has passed me by, but next year, I will be one of many, uprooted, reassigned, starting over.

One year has passed with one more to go. A year from now, the truck will pull up, boxes will be loaded, goodbyes will be said, and I'm not ready. 

Am I ever ready?

The goodbyes are painful, the cross-country trip is exhausting, and being the new person all over again is draining. 

I know it's coming and so do you. 

And I have something to tell you...

Thank you. 

Thank you for inviting us to your home, breaking bread with us, spending time with us, watching our children play together under the shade of trees on late afternoons, the sound of their laughter filling the air like smoke billowing from a fire.  I shut my eyes and picture what life would be like to stay in this place with these friends for a lifetime, a smile easing over my face, the thought relaxing my soul.

Thank you for getting to know me, investing your time in me, developing a friendship with me.  I may be one of many friends to you, but to me, you are one of few.  I have many friends all over country and all over the world, but here, in this place, you are one of the few.  

Thank you for letting your child be my child's best friend, playing together, laughing together, crafting paper hearts together.  I, like you, have dreamed of my daughter having a best friend, and here they are, spending all their time together, and I wonder how their hearts will break when I tell them about the move.  Thank you for letting my little girl experience all the joy of having a best friend, even if it is only for a few short years together.

It's coming. I'm not ready, and I never will be. Our family chose this life; yours didn't, so thank you for choosing to love our family.  

On The Day You Turn Three

Gazing at you softly sleeping in your bed, the days of your crib have long passed, chocolate brown ringlets dangle in front of eyes opening slowly, peering at me, noticing me, and I smile.  My heart fills with love for your sweet face, tiny body, little hands, and I remember the days that have passed since the day you were born.  Three short years ago, your tiny five-pound body entered this world, and you filled the room with your beautiful voice.  Oh, how I love your voice, the songs you sing, the stories you imagine, and the sweet, soft whispers you mumble in my ear. 

Filled with excitement for a new day, you jump out of bed, and change into your princess dress, twirling, floating across the room.  You are my baby, my last baby, and today you are three.  Staring at you, I see the little girl you have become, the baby rolls, diapers, pacifiers, swaddling blankets are all gone, given away, no longer needed. 

I call you my baby, but you are no longer a baby.  You speak, and words come out in sentences, unbroken and clear.  You sing, and new melodies fill the room with your voice.  You walk steadily across a room, run swiftly through freshly cut grass, skipping every other step, jumping over rocks and puddles.  You climb into bed at night without asking to be rocked, and I know if I offer, you will let me, but you no longer need the soft snuggles, quiet singing, and gentle rocking to be lulled to sleep. 

No, you are no longer a baby, my little last baby, but you will always be my baby. No matter how big you grow or how far away you move, I will always be your mommy, and you will always be my baby.  So on this day that you turn three, dance, twirl, sing, and run like the big girl you are, but when the day comes to an end, and your body needs rest, fall into my arms, and let me rock you, hold you, cuddle you, and sing softly in your ear because you are my little last baby, and I need it more than you do. 

20 Things I Did in Texas That I Never Do in Maine

I am a Texan, born and raised.  There is so much pride that comes with being a Texan.  I am thankful that I get to live in other amazing places, but no matter where I end up, Texas will always be my home.

1.  Check the weather constantly.

Texans say, "If you don't like the weather, just wait an hour."  If I didn't check the weather every day, I would risk the chance of wearing flip flops in freezing weather with a wintry mix or a sweater on an day with 80 degree temps and abundant sunshine.  The weather is one of the best parts of Texas because it never gets too cold, but it is always changing so make sure you check.

2.  Drive for hundreds of miles and never leave the state.

Texas is big and beautiful.  I loved driving to my grandparents house up in the panhandle of Texas.  I would drive all day long, admiring the wide open spaces and never leave the state.

3.  Eat at Mexican Food restaurants.

I love Mexican food, and I grew up eating Tex-Mex and New Mexican food (my grandparents live on the Texas/New Mexico border).  Those are the only kinds I deem acceptable, so when I moved to a new state and blindly went to a Mexican restaurant, I was greatly disheartened to realize it wasn't good to me.  I tried and tried and failed and failed.  I have only found a handful of Mexican restaurants that aren't in Texas or New Mexico that I would eat at again.

But the bright side is I get to make my own Mexican food now.

4.  Eat at Chick-fil-A.

I know Chick-fil-A is from Georgia and not a Texas thing, but we don't have one here.  Why is there no CFA in Maine?  I love you CFA; come to Maine!

This song about Chick-fil-A is hilarious.

5.  Eat Kolaches.

Kolaches are delicious, especially the ones from the Czech Stop in West, TX.  I haven't found any here so feel free to wrap some up and send them my way.






6.  Swim in my swimming pool from April to October.

We would crank up our pool heater in late April and get swim season started early.  I am pretty sure there will still be snow on the ground in April where we are now.  Quite a change for us!









7.  Have the AC on constantly from March to November.

Air conditioning units are a necessity in Texas.  We don't even have one here at all.  In Texas, I would already have mine running in March.  In Maine, our fire is still going in our wood stove.

8.  Wear flip flops year-round.

Flip flops are a staple in any Texan's wardrobe.  You wear them all year.  I vividly remember leaving the hospital after the birth of my second child.  It was the day before Thanksgiving; I wore a tank top, capri pants, flip flops, and I was hot.  Texas weather is crazy!  (See point #1)


9.  Water my lawn.

I used to water my lawn all the time just to try to keep it green and lush.  It blew my mind when I got here, the grass was gorgeous, and I did not ever have to water it.  I do miss the brown grass, but I don't miss my water bill.

10.  Run outside in any season.

I love to run, and Texas has perfect running weather.  As long as you go before the sun comes up in the summer and are fully prepared to recover from and treat heat exhaustion, you are set.  I have been told I can run in the snow and frigid temps in Maine, but I think I will stick to my treadmill until it warms up a bit.

11.  Take day trips to Austin, Dallas, College Station, San Antonio, and everywhere in between.

I am a Texan, and I love Texas!  I love every big city, every small town, and every wide open space in  between.  I could take a trip to anywhere in Texas and love it.  There are so many wonderful places to see and experience.




12.  Enjoy the college football rivalry with other Texas teams.

I love college football, and there is nothing better than the rivalry between all the big Texas teams.  I am a fightin' Texas Aggie.  Whoop!  Being in Texas and hearing the relentless banter between Aggies, Longhorns, Bears, and Raiders, is something I miss.







13.  Give in to the constant humidity and accept that sweat happens.

Texas is hot and humid, really hot and humid, and you can't go anywhere without getting sweaty in the summer.  You just give in and go with it.

14.  Require that I have a backyard with mature shade trees and a pool.

When I was looking for houses in Texas, one of my requirements was mature shade trees in my backyard because I can't even stand to be outside in the summer without them.  Luckily, I found a house that also came with a pool.  In Maine, neither of those things mattered at all when I was looking for a house.

15.  Eat Texas BBQ.

Texas barbecue is delicious.  I have tried BBQ from other states, and I do like it, but Texas BBQ will always be my favorite.  Where's the beef?!?

16. Drive on an access road.

The big highways in Texas all have access roads next to them.  An access road is a small road that follows the same course as the highway so that you don't have to get on the highway to go somewhere.  There are shops, restaurants, and businesses lining the access roads.  This is something I have not seen in any of the other states I have lived in so far.

17.  Visit small towns in Texas.

While I grew up in the big city, my grandparents live in a small town in the panhandle.  I love visiting there.  It is a town filled with farmers and good 'ole boys who go out to get coffee together every afternoon.  They all know each other, and give a friendly wave whether you are from there or not.  Small town Texas is friendly, welcoming, and warms my heart when I think of it.


18.  Take in the flat, treeless landscape.

I like trees, I really do, but I have a deep fondness for a flat, treeless landscape.  There is something so beautiful about being able to see for miles and miles with nothing blocking your view.



19.  Enjoy all that a big city has to offer.

I grew up in Dallas, and I am a city girl.  I am enjoying my new country life, but I do miss having a huge mall 10 minutes from my house, any kind of restaurant I could ever want close by, big amusement parks and sports teams within a 40 minute drive, and all the other perks of a big city.



20.  Feel the Texas Pride.

In case you didn't know, Texans swell with pride for their state.  We proudly recite the pledge in our schools every morning.  We teach a whole year of Texas history in fourth grade and again in eighth grade.  We have so much loyalty to our state and are proud to call it home.

What do you love about the great state of Texas?  Please share your thoughts in the comments.

This post is a follow-up to my original post, 20 Things I Have Done in Maine That I Never Did in Texas.

Do They Like Me?

I sat in the driver's seat, turning the wheel, depressing the pedals, and words swirled in my mind.

Did they like me?

I left an event full of people, and I wondered if I was liked, loved, needed, seen.

Did they like me?

It was the cry of the me inside wanting to know if I was validated, known, heard, wanted.

Did they like me?

I have spent so much of my life wondering if I am liked, if I am loved, if I am wanted, and my deepest self wants to please.

But what if they don't like me? 

As I drove the car, the words swirled in my mind, and the whisper of the Holy Spirit came through all the deafening lies swirling in my head.

You are not here to be loved,
but to be love.

I knew it was the voice of truth because it was truth.  I am not here to be loved by people.  I want them to love me, to like me, to want to be with me, but what if they don't?

Be love.

My interactions with others should not be based on if they liked me when I walk away, but if I showed them love?  Life-changing, God-honoring, Christ-sacrificing love.

Did I love them well?

Look at the example of Christ.  He was moved with compassion for the multitudes, and He healed them when they were sick, He fed them when they were hungry, He spoke truth to them even when they didn't fully understand or like what He said.  When He was done, some people liked Him, but many did not.  He still showed them love.

Be My love.

In my life, I need to be His love to others.  That needs to be the goal.  So change the question.  Stop asking if they liked me, and start asking if I loved them.  If I loved them well, then it doesn't matter what they think of me.  All that matters is what my God thinks of me, and if I love people as He did, then I know I have done well.

20 Things I Have Done in Maine That I Never Did in Texas

1.  Shovel snow

     Never in my life, have I seen this much snow.  Seriously, y'all, there is so much snow that I cannot walk through it unless I shovel a path.  Then, every other day or two it snows again, and I have to re-shovel my path.

    I will be honest, my husband has done most of the shoveling, but one day I decided to surprise him.  He was at work, and I decided I would do all the shoveling before he came home.  It was a lot of work.  The hardest part was having to throw the snow over the 5 foot snow wall that had built up on the side of our front path.  Shoveling is not for the weak.

2.  Stack firewood

Before winter hits, you have to be prepared, and being prepared means stacking firewood.  Our landlord told us he used about 4 cords of wood  So we ordered 4 cords, having no clue how much that was.  Well, here it is in this picture, and I got out there with my husband and stacked it all in the woodshed.  Come the end of winter it will be gone.  That is a lot of wood!

3.  Play in deep snow.

I have played in an inch of snow that melts before noon, but this is the first time I have ever lived where there is deep snow.  I might be missing something, but I don't even know how to make a snowman or snow angel in snow this deep. 

4.  Take care of a chicken.

I know many of my friends have chickens in other parts of country, but this is my first time to have a chicken.  I know I should have more than one, but an "unfortunate incident" happened right before we moved in knocking the five chickens we were supposed to have from our landlord down to only one.  She is the lone survivor, and she is now a family pet.  She is hearty and strong, surviving the harsh winter without other chickens to keep her warm (we equipped her chicken coop with a heat lamp).  We are proud of our little survivor, Diana.

5.  Dress for frigid weather.

I always knew how to dress for a cold day, but I never knew how people survived frigid temperatures.  Then I went to the L.L. Bean Flagship Store.  It is an amazing place, full of all kinds of magical clothing items that make freezing weather bearable, and, dare I say, enjoyable.  I don't go anywhere without my snow boots or thick down coat, unless it gets above 20, which is a warm day.  

6.  Start a fire without a gas fireplace or fire starting block. 

When I moved here, I assumed we would have a fireplace, but we don't.  We have a wood stove because winter up here is the real deal.  This is not a fun little fire that I light when it drops to the lower 30s.  This is a heavy duty stove that I keep fire blazing in all winter long. 

7. Go sledding.

    

I will be honest, I am not very good at this one.  When I tried to let the girls sled down the hill in our yard, the sled just sunk right through the snow and stopped.  I think the snow is too deep and our hill is too flat to go sledding, but I am probably wrong.  I am just a southern girl who has never gone sledding before, and I have no clue how to get the sled going in deep snow.  

(If you have tips, please leave them in the comments.)

8.  Go ice skating on a frozen lake. 

I was an ice skater when I was younger.  Never in my life had I ever skated on a real lake.  So one day, I went down to the frozen lake, laced up my skates, and did my thing.  I heard gurgling under the surface, and it made me too nervous to stay out there any longer.  I don't know if that is normal, maybe it is, but it freaked me out.  

9.  Have a Post Office box instead of a mailbox. 

When we moved in, I asked our landlord about our mailbox, and he told us to get a Post Office box because the mailboxes get knocked over by the plows in the winter.  I had no clue what he was talking about.  I could not even fathom that much snow, but he was right.  

Here is a mailbox in the winter.  Do you see it in there buried deep in the snow?  Yeah, now I am glad my mail is in a warm, dry building and not covered in snow.

10.  Visit a ski mountain and a beach on the same day.

A few weeks ago, we went to an amazing place called Camden.  It has a ski mountain, and it is on the coast.  It wasn't open for skiing yet, but before I leave Maine, I plan on skiing that mountain just so I can get a glimpse of the ocean from the top of the ski mountain.  Awesome!

11.  Visit lighthouses. 

A trip to Maine isn't complete without visiting a lighthouse or two.  They are gorgeous, and make for great pictures.

12.  Take a long Sunday drive to look at fall foliage.

In the fall it is something you must do here.  We loaded up our van and drove all day on a Sunday after church just to look at the colors, and we didn't tire of it.  It really is one of the most breathtaking sights I have seen, and pictures don't do it justice.

13.  Get coffee at Dunkin Donuts drive-thru instead of the Starbucks drive-thru.

Dunkin Donuts is the thing here.  There is one on almost every corner, and their coffee is amazing.  It helps that there isn't a Starbucks drive-thru in my town.  I choose the convenient drive-thru over the fancy coffee any day.

14.  Wonder when I will see the ground in my backyard again.

In Texas, we would get excited over a coating of snow on the ground.  Now I get excited when a small patch of ground pokes through the melting snow.  I haven't seen the grass in over a month.

15.  Eat fresh lobster.

I didn't like lobster before moving here, but once I moved here and tasted the fresh stuff, I changed my mind.  Fresh lobster is delicious.  One thing of note: there aren't any Red Lobsters in Maine.  I think I know why. 

16.  Go skiing for a day trip.

I love to ski.  I grew up going on ski trips.  In fact, our honeymoon was a ski trip, but I have never lived anywhere close enough to a ski mountain to go skiing for the day and drive home at night.  It is bliss for me.  I love to ski, and now I can go on a Saturday without having to bust my budget.

17.  Go to the beach for a day trip.

Same goes for the beach.  We love the beach, and now we are close enough to go to the beach just for the day.  Why don't more people live here?

18.  Ask myself if I am saying "y'all" too much.

I really do this.  I am pretty sure I don't have much of an accent when I talk, but my dead giveaway is how much I say "y'all."  I say it a lot, y'all, and I constantly think when I am having a conversation if I have said it too much.  I never did that in Texas.

19.  Pick apples.

I love apples.  I am an apple a day kind of girl, so when we went to an apple festival in the fall, and I was able to load up on apples, I was in heaven.  I made apple everything, and ate at least an apple or two a day.  

20.  Make snow ice cream. 

The snow cream was delicious.  The snow frappuccino I made was not.

What do you love about Maine?  Let me know in the comments.  

Stay tuned next week for my follow up post:  

 - 20 Things I Did in Texas That I Never Do in Maine

To the Mom Who Feels Unseen, Unheard, and Unloved

To the mom who just birthed new life into the world; your whole world changed in an instant.  Your heart swells with a love you have never felt before.  You always wondered what a mother's love felt like, you never knew, you never fully understood, but now you do.  You look at the little helpless baby in your arms, eyes shut tight, mouth quivering, you hear her breathe, and you are filled with awe.  You realize you have no idea how to do this, but you resolve that you will try, and you promise that baby you will do anything and everything for her...

To the mom of the precious baby who outgrew all of her newborn clothes, and you wonder how it all happened so fast.  Where did the days go?  They seemed so long, so draining, but now you see how quickly they came and went and you barely blinked.  You tried to see and remember, but it is all a blur, and you feel like you missed it.  You pack away the newborn clothes, hoping to put them on another tiny body one day.  You stop, and notice the tears dripping from your eyes, and you miss the days when it was all fresh and new...

To the mom whose baby just took her first steps; you delight in the wonder of it.  You cheer and applaud, pick her up and spin her around.  You tell her how proud you are and she wiggles out of your arms, longing for freedom to explore the world to which she now has full access.  You put her down and watch her go, and you ache a little in your heart because she doesn't need you as much as she did before...  

To the mom whose pregnancy test is positive after multiple miscarriages.  You look at the test and want to believe it is real, but you doubt and you worry that this one will end like the others.  You pray and hope for one more day with your baby because one more day of pregnancy is one day closer to a holding her in your arms.  The fear holds onto you and you tell it to leave you alone.  It will not take hold of you...

To the mom who is preparing for her second baby.  You open the box of old clothes from your first child to put in the washer, and you can't help but cry.  All the memories and emotions flood your mind as you pull out each outfit one by one, and you remember each moment it was worn.  You fathom how you will ever love another child as much as you love your first, and you pray that you will.  Your heart pounds, your baby kicks, and you imagine how different things will be when she is born...

To the mom with the newborn baby and toddler taking her first lone trip to the grocery store with kids in tow.  You fill the bellies, wipe the booties, and pray they will both be calm and quiet.  You push your cart and gather your supplies from your well-thought-out list.  You hurry through the store, knowing that your baby will be hungry when she wakes.  You make it to the check-out line, a mile long, and then she stirs and startles and screams, and they all look at you.  You melt and wish the stares would fade...

To the mom whose babies are out of diapers, out of cribs, out of baby clothes, and you decide it is time to rid your house of it.  You feel the ache in your heart, and try to hold on to a few precious items.  You slowly sort, each item bringing back a flood of memories, every outfit, toy, and book sends you to the years past.  You think of every stage that you wished would go by faster, and now you wish you could do it again.  Your heart hurts, but then it swells when you see the glow, the joy on the new mom's face whom you have blessed with your things, your treasures.  You wonder if she will know all the memories they hold, and you delight to see that they will hold many new memories in the years to come...

When the days are long, the nights are hard, you want to quit, and you think no one sees how hard it is, 

God sees, God knows, and God cares.  

He can comfort any hurt you have felt, and forgive any mistake you have made.

Hug your kids, hold them tight, look deep into their eyes, see straight to their hearts, and fully feel the love you have for them.  Then lift your eyes to heaven and meet the gaze of your Father as He looks at you.  He sees straight to your heart through all the scars and bruises, and loves you even more.  

Let the deepest parts of you embrace, cling to, and rest in that love.  Settle in it, dwell there, and listen to the words Your Father says to you.  Spend time with Him, draw your value and worth from what He thinks of you, and mother your children from that place of blessed assurance.

Hold your kids tight, and tell them about the One who holds your hand when you're steady, holds you up when you're shaky, and carries you when you fall.  He is the greatest gift you can give them.

When Evil Things Happen

 Do not fret because of evildoers,

Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity.

 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass,

And wither as the green herb.

A few days ago, I opened my Bible and read Psalm 37.  My heart reflected and considered the evil in this present world.  I wrote these words above the psalm in my worn Book of truth:

"Read this psalm when evil things happen in the world, and I don't understand why."

Trust in the Lord, and do good;

Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

Delight yourself also in the Lord,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him;

Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,

Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.

Little did I know what was coming.  I told my husband, shared how this psalm brings healing to my heart when I hear about shootings, bombings, terror groups, evil.

Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;

Do not fret—it only causes harm.

For evildoers shall be cut off;

But those who wait on the Lord,

They shall inherit the earth.

For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;

Indeed, you will look carefully for his place,

But it shall be no more.

But the meek shall inherit the earth,

And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

The next morning, I awoke to the news of the 21 brothers in Christ, killed for their faith, blood shed for the sake of the message of my Savior.  My heart hurt, but my mind knew where to go.  My thoughts immediately went to the psalm, and I meditated on it in a new way, reflecting on the newest act of evil.  

The wicked plots against the just,

And gnashes at him with his teeth.

The Lord laughs at him,

For He sees that his day is coming.

The wicked have drawn the sword

And have bent their bow,

To cast down the poor and needy,

To slay those who are of upright conduct.

Their sword shall enter their own heart,

And their bows shall be broken.

Dear friends, let us not lose hope in this present world.  Let us remember the words of truth that never fail.  Let us "feed on His faithfulness," read the truth and speak words of truth to a hurting world.  

 Depart from evil, and do good;

And dwell forevermore.

For the Lord loves justice,

And does not forsake His saints;

They are preserved forever,

But the descendants of the wicked shall be cut off.

The righteous shall inherit the land,

And dwell in it forever.

When we see these acts of evil, let us not forget the promise of a God who never fails.  He will preserve His saints forever.  Let us trust Him, hope in Him, turn to Him, and talk all the more about Him when evil happens.

Mark the blameless man, and observe the upright;

For the future of that man is peace.

But the transgressors shall be destroyed together;

The future of the wicked shall be cut off.

But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;

He is their strength in the time of trouble.

And the Lord shall help them and deliver them;

He shall deliver them from the wicked,

And save them,

Because they trust in Him.

When evil things happen in this world, we know who has the final victory.  The evildoers may feel victorious for a fleeting moment, but our God is victorious for eternity.  May we never forget that.

Read all of Psalm 37 here.

The Day Depression Took Hold of Me

It started at the restaurant.  I felt it swell within me.  The hostess sat us at a table in a dimly lit corner of the bar area.  Neon signs filled the room, my eyes winced at them, and I closed my eyes tight to shut out the visual noise.  I abruptly opened them when the little one, newly using panties, grabbed for me, and yelled for the potty.  I rushed her in, found the mess, and I felt it rising inside of me as I cleaned her.  I was a woman in a new town, no one knew me, and then this happened, and I sunk deep.  I endured the rest of the meal in silence, trying to keep it to myself, not letting the kids see.  

As we drove home, it broke through, and I could not contain it any longer, and the tears dripped long, and my voice gasped, and my husband saw.  He saw me staring out the window; he saw the anguish, and he tried to talk me down, and then he realized this was something only the Almighty could heal.  He pulled the car to a parking lot, and he spoke to the Lord for me.  All I could do was weep and gasp and try to cling to his words leaving our car headed to the throne room of my Father. 

Sleep came hard and long, and I woke the next morning to find the tears just as real and the feeling of drowning just as overwhelming.  I got in the car for the drive to church, and I drove slowly, not ready to encounter the faces, but I knew I needed to hear truth.  I sat, I listened, and I couldn’t speak or sing any words because I knew a waterfall of tears would accompany them.  I prayed silently and hoped no one would talk to me or notice me so I could just be with my God in that moment.

The next morning, after another long night of struggled rest, I started to emerge from the suffocation of depression.  I will never fully understand how I pulled out of it, but I emerged with a new understanding of the struggle.  I spoke to the Lord and thanked Him for pulling me up from the depths that had engulfed me.  I called a dear friend and I told her, confessing the pain, the anguish that held me, and hoped she would hear and not judge me.  Then she confessed and told me of the deep, dark days following the birth of a child, and how it pulled her down, and she couldn’t come up for air.  She told me how she was afraid to ever tell anyone when she was living in it and didn’t know how to come out of it.  

There in that moment on the phone, we made a pact to call each other if it ever tried to take hold again because depression is real, and it can sneak up, and it wants to live in the dark places.  It tells you to hide, don’t let others know, or they will judge you, think less of you, and stomp you down harder.  I only had a small, short glimpse of deep, hard, and real depression, but I now have a new understanding.  I now see with fresh eyes.  I was drowning, and no one could pull me out.  I prayed, and God let me dwell there for a moment so my eyes would open.  He let me experience and fully understand that some people live like that, mine was for a moment, and theirs is for days, weeks, or months.      

Sisters, let’s be brave enough to hold hands and confess the dark times to our dearest warrior-friends.  Let’s go to battle together against an enemy who wants us to fight alone.  We are stronger together, so let’s stand up, fight for our sister when she falls, and hold her hand when she gets up, always pushing forward.  When depression sinks its ugly teeth in and grabs a warrior-friend, pulling her down to the depths, let us commit to hold on tight to her, listen to her, speak the words she cannot muster to an Almighty God for her, and never judge her. 

One Word Wednesday: Snow

   

When the Nights Seem Long

It was the middle of the night, and darkness covered the sky.  I was a young mom of a newborn and a toddler, eyes heavy, deeply fallen into sleep.  The whole house quiet, resting.  She screamed; I startled, the sound piercing my ears.

"Lord, help me get through this, give me the strength, give me the love I need," I pleaded.  I needed Him.  

He softly whispered, "Give thanks."  

I wearily opened her door, walked in her room, picked her up, and held her, blocking out the noise and shutting out the din.  I rocked her, comforted her, and calmed her, and I whispered my thanks.

Thank you, God, for this baby.  I know you give and take away.  Thank you for giving her to me.  My little blessing baby, born to me after a miscarriage.  Pregnancy after a miscarriage is hard: nine long months wondering if she would make it, wondering if it would end in tears of joy or sadness.  Thank you for holding my angel baby and allowing me to hold this baby.     

Thank you for the sound that comes out of her tiny body.  She is loud, healthy, and vibrant.  She is ready to live life, and she won't live life quietly.  She will leave her mark.

Thank you for this house we are in, for this glider in which I sit.  You have provided for us, and taken care of us.

Thank you for rest.  Let me sit here and be still.  I will hold my baby, and I will rest.

Thank you, Father, for showing me this small glimpse of your love.  The way you love me, through all my screams and shrieks, is the way I love her.  My heart is full of love for her, just as Yours overflows with love for me.

Thank you for the gift of being a mother.  In this moment, she needs me.  Let me live in this moment, soak it all in, and always remember this feeling of holding this precious life You have given.  You made her and formed her.  I love her voice, her eyes, her hair, her face because I know You formed them especially for her.  

She calmed, she was asleep, and I longed for my bed, but I didn't move.  I held her, I rocked her, and I stayed in the moment as long as I could.  One day, she will not need me like this anymore, so let me stay in this moment and soak it all in.

The Warmth of Your Love

Faithful friend,

gentle companion,

you never expect more of me,

all I give is enough.

You curl up next to me and sleep soundly.

Your paws move; you are on the chase.

You are a dog on the hunt,

going for the kill.

You attack and catch a little scoundrel.

Was it a squirrel, a cat, a bird?

You wake.

You give a kiss, and I accept it.

I give you a pat, 

rub the belly, 

scratch the ears.

That is all you want, all you need.

You are my loyal comrade.

We go through this life together,

every hurt and pain, you lick the tears;

every joy and happiness, you jump and dance.

You give all of your love; 

it is all you have to give.

It wraps around me like a warm blanket,
it soothes me,
calms me,
comforts me.
I feel the warmth of your love,
and I will never forget.

Redeeming the Moments

Tired, exhausted, worn, young mom with a deployed husband.  He was 6 months gone with just as many more left.  How could I watch all of my baby girl's special first moments and not think of all he was missing.  Every single time she hit a milestone I was filled with joy and a hint of sadness.  He was missing it all.  I sat down at my computer and threw my feelings into a poem:

You are missing all the moments that are so special. 
You missed her
first crawl
first step
first "Dada"
first birthday
first ...
I don't know how many more moments I can stand for you to miss. 
Hurry home, Chris, so that you can see how big your little girl is. 
She gets bigger everyday. 
And while everyday that passes we get closer to your return,
we will never get back these precious moments.

I posted my poem.  It made me feel better to express it, to write it down, to see it in print.

Then I received this wise, thoughtful response:

Not with this one you won't, dear friend, but there will be others.

One of the sweetest blessings of God was watching Andrew's reactions to all of Andie's "firsts". They weren't so spectacular to me - I'd seen Curtis grow from baby to toddler. So while I appreciated her development, I'd "used up" my firstborn awe and wonder. Because of deployment, Andrew had not. Watching him enjoy our 2nd child as if she was the first was a delight.  

Remember that God promised a desperate Israel that he would restore the years the locust had eaten. He's more than redeemed our deployment years and I pray he'll do the same for you.

I wanted to believe her, but I didn't.  I didn't know how.

What if we had no more children?  We did.
What if he deployed again?  He did.
What if he never saw any of our children's first moments?  He did.

It didn't come the way I expected.  I wanted it for our second child.  How could the military take him away again for the exact same moments he missed the first time?  He missed them all again.  The first baby and the second.  He never saw a first crawl, first step, first birthday.

Our second baby girl talking to Chris on her first birthday.

Then something happened.

Our third little blessing.  She was my third.  I had seen it all before, but he hadn't, and I saw it.  I saw the wonder in his eyes.  I saw the pure joy in his face.  I saw every single moment through the eyes of a brand new parent.  He had never seen it before, and it amazed him.  That's when I remembered what my wise friend said.  Those moments were redeemed, made more special, filled me with wonder.  My heart was full, it overflowed, joy abounded.  All the missed moments, redeemed.