To the Mom Who Feels Unseen, Unheard, and Unloved

To the mom who just birthed new life into the world; your whole world changed in an instant.  Your heart swells with a love you have never felt before.  You always wondered what a mother's love felt like, you never knew, you never fully understood, but now you do.  You look at the little helpless baby in your arms, eyes shut tight, mouth quivering, you hear her breathe, and you are filled with awe.  You realize you have no idea how to do this, but you resolve that you will try, and you promise that baby you will do anything and everything for her...

To the mom of the precious baby who outgrew all of her newborn clothes, and you wonder how it all happened so fast.  Where did the days go?  They seemed so long, so draining, but now you see how quickly they came and went and you barely blinked.  You tried to see and remember, but it is all a blur, and you feel like you missed it.  You pack away the newborn clothes, hoping to put them on another tiny body one day.  You stop, and notice the tears dripping from your eyes, and you miss the days when it was all fresh and new...

To the mom whose baby just took her first steps; you delight in the wonder of it.  You cheer and applaud, pick her up and spin her around.  You tell her how proud you are and she wiggles out of your arms, longing for freedom to explore the world to which she now has full access.  You put her down and watch her go, and you ache a little in your heart because she doesn't need you as much as she did before...  

To the mom whose pregnancy test is positive after multiple miscarriages.  You look at the test and want to believe it is real, but you doubt and you worry that this one will end like the others.  You pray and hope for one more day with your baby because one more day of pregnancy is one day closer to a holding her in your arms.  The fear holds onto you and you tell it to leave you alone.  It will not take hold of you...

To the mom who is preparing for her second baby.  You open the box of old clothes from your first child to put in the washer, and you can't help but cry.  All the memories and emotions flood your mind as you pull out each outfit one by one, and you remember each moment it was worn.  You fathom how you will ever love another child as much as you love your first, and you pray that you will.  Your heart pounds, your baby kicks, and you imagine how different things will be when she is born...

To the mom with the newborn baby and toddler taking her first lone trip to the grocery store with kids in tow.  You fill the bellies, wipe the booties, and pray they will both be calm and quiet.  You push your cart and gather your supplies from your well-thought-out list.  You hurry through the store, knowing that your baby will be hungry when she wakes.  You make it to the check-out line, a mile long, and then she stirs and startles and screams, and they all look at you.  You melt and wish the stares would fade...

To the mom whose babies are out of diapers, out of cribs, out of baby clothes, and you decide it is time to rid your house of it.  You feel the ache in your heart, and try to hold on to a few precious items.  You slowly sort, each item bringing back a flood of memories, every outfit, toy, and book sends you to the years past.  You think of every stage that you wished would go by faster, and now you wish you could do it again.  Your heart hurts, but then it swells when you see the glow, the joy on the new mom's face whom you have blessed with your things, your treasures.  You wonder if she will know all the memories they hold, and you delight to see that they will hold many new memories in the years to come...

When the days are long, the nights are hard, you want to quit, and you think no one sees how hard it is, 

God sees, God knows, and God cares.  

He can comfort any hurt you have felt, and forgive any mistake you have made.

Hug your kids, hold them tight, look deep into their eyes, see straight to their hearts, and fully feel the love you have for them.  Then lift your eyes to heaven and meet the gaze of your Father as He looks at you.  He sees straight to your heart through all the scars and bruises, and loves you even more.  

Let the deepest parts of you embrace, cling to, and rest in that love.  Settle in it, dwell there, and listen to the words Your Father says to you.  Spend time with Him, draw your value and worth from what He thinks of you, and mother your children from that place of blessed assurance.

Hold your kids tight, and tell them about the One who holds your hand when you're steady, holds you up when you're shaky, and carries you when you fall.  He is the greatest gift you can give them.

When Evil Things Happen

 Do not fret because of evildoers,

Nor be envious of the workers of iniquity.

 For they shall soon be cut down like the grass,

And wither as the green herb.

A few days ago, I opened my Bible and read Psalm 37.  My heart reflected and considered the evil in this present world.  I wrote these words above the psalm in my worn Book of truth:

"Read this psalm when evil things happen in the world, and I don't understand why."

Trust in the Lord, and do good;

Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

Delight yourself also in the Lord,

And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him;

Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,

Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.

Little did I know what was coming.  I told my husband, shared how this psalm brings healing to my heart when I hear about shootings, bombings, terror groups, evil.

Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;

Do not fret—it only causes harm.

For evildoers shall be cut off;

But those who wait on the Lord,

They shall inherit the earth.

For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more;

Indeed, you will look carefully for his place,

But it shall be no more.

But the meek shall inherit the earth,

And shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.

The next morning, I awoke to the news of the 21 brothers in Christ, killed for their faith, blood shed for the sake of the message of my Savior.  My heart hurt, but my mind knew where to go.  My thoughts immediately went to the psalm, and I meditated on it in a new way, reflecting on the newest act of evil.  

The wicked plots against the just,

And gnashes at him with his teeth.

The Lord laughs at him,

For He sees that his day is coming.

The wicked have drawn the sword

And have bent their bow,

To cast down the poor and needy,

To slay those who are of upright conduct.

Their sword shall enter their own heart,

And their bows shall be broken.

Dear friends, let us not lose hope in this present world.  Let us remember the words of truth that never fail.  Let us "feed on His faithfulness," read the truth and speak words of truth to a hurting world.  

 Depart from evil, and do good;

And dwell forevermore.

For the Lord loves justice,

And does not forsake His saints;

They are preserved forever,

But the descendants of the wicked shall be cut off.

The righteous shall inherit the land,

And dwell in it forever.

When we see these acts of evil, let us not forget the promise of a God who never fails.  He will preserve His saints forever.  Let us trust Him, hope in Him, turn to Him, and talk all the more about Him when evil happens.

Mark the blameless man, and observe the upright;

For the future of that man is peace.

But the transgressors shall be destroyed together;

The future of the wicked shall be cut off.

But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;

He is their strength in the time of trouble.

And the Lord shall help them and deliver them;

He shall deliver them from the wicked,

And save them,

Because they trust in Him.

When evil things happen in this world, we know who has the final victory.  The evildoers may feel victorious for a fleeting moment, but our God is victorious for eternity.  May we never forget that.

Read all of Psalm 37 here.

The Day Depression Took Hold of Me

It started at the restaurant.  I felt it swell within me.  The hostess sat us at a table in a dimly lit corner of the bar area.  Neon signs filled the room, my eyes winced at them, and I closed my eyes tight to shut out the visual noise.  I abruptly opened them when the little one, newly using panties, grabbed for me, and yelled for the potty.  I rushed her in, found the mess, and I felt it rising inside of me as I cleaned her.  I was a woman in a new town, no one knew me, and then this happened, and I sunk deep.  I endured the rest of the meal in silence, trying to keep it to myself, not letting the kids see.  

As we drove home, it broke through, and I could not contain it any longer, and the tears dripped long, and my voice gasped, and my husband saw.  He saw me staring out the window; he saw the anguish, and he tried to talk me down, and then he realized this was something only the Almighty could heal.  He pulled the car to a parking lot, and he spoke to the Lord for me.  All I could do was weep and gasp and try to cling to his words leaving our car headed to the throne room of my Father. 

Sleep came hard and long, and I woke the next morning to find the tears just as real and the feeling of drowning just as overwhelming.  I got in the car for the drive to church, and I drove slowly, not ready to encounter the faces, but I knew I needed to hear truth.  I sat, I listened, and I couldn’t speak or sing any words because I knew a waterfall of tears would accompany them.  I prayed silently and hoped no one would talk to me or notice me so I could just be with my God in that moment.

The next morning, after another long night of struggled rest, I started to emerge from the suffocation of depression.  I will never fully understand how I pulled out of it, but I emerged with a new understanding of the struggle.  I spoke to the Lord and thanked Him for pulling me up from the depths that had engulfed me.  I called a dear friend and I told her, confessing the pain, the anguish that held me, and hoped she would hear and not judge me.  Then she confessed and told me of the deep, dark days following the birth of a child, and how it pulled her down, and she couldn’t come up for air.  She told me how she was afraid to ever tell anyone when she was living in it and didn’t know how to come out of it.  

There in that moment on the phone, we made a pact to call each other if it ever tried to take hold again because depression is real, and it can sneak up, and it wants to live in the dark places.  It tells you to hide, don’t let others know, or they will judge you, think less of you, and stomp you down harder.  I only had a small, short glimpse of deep, hard, and real depression, but I now have a new understanding.  I now see with fresh eyes.  I was drowning, and no one could pull me out.  I prayed, and God let me dwell there for a moment so my eyes would open.  He let me experience and fully understand that some people live like that, mine was for a moment, and theirs is for days, weeks, or months.      

Sisters, let’s be brave enough to hold hands and confess the dark times to our dearest warrior-friends.  Let’s go to battle together against an enemy who wants us to fight alone.  We are stronger together, so let’s stand up, fight for our sister when she falls, and hold her hand when she gets up, always pushing forward.  When depression sinks its ugly teeth in and grabs a warrior-friend, pulling her down to the depths, let us commit to hold on tight to her, listen to her, speak the words she cannot muster to an Almighty God for her, and never judge her. 

One Word Wednesday: Snow

   

When the Nights Seem Long

It was the middle of the night, and darkness covered the sky.  I was a young mom of a newborn and a toddler, eyes heavy, deeply fallen into sleep.  The whole house quiet, resting.  She screamed; I startled, the sound piercing my ears.

"Lord, help me get through this, give me the strength, give me the love I need," I pleaded.  I needed Him.  

He softly whispered, "Give thanks."  

I wearily opened her door, walked in her room, picked her up, and held her, blocking out the noise and shutting out the din.  I rocked her, comforted her, and calmed her, and I whispered my thanks.

Thank you, God, for this baby.  I know you give and take away.  Thank you for giving her to me.  My little blessing baby, born to me after a miscarriage.  Pregnancy after a miscarriage is hard: nine long months wondering if she would make it, wondering if it would end in tears of joy or sadness.  Thank you for holding my angel baby and allowing me to hold this baby.     

Thank you for the sound that comes out of her tiny body.  She is loud, healthy, and vibrant.  She is ready to live life, and she won't live life quietly.  She will leave her mark.

Thank you for this house we are in, for this glider in which I sit.  You have provided for us, and taken care of us.

Thank you for rest.  Let me sit here and be still.  I will hold my baby, and I will rest.

Thank you, Father, for showing me this small glimpse of your love.  The way you love me, through all my screams and shrieks, is the way I love her.  My heart is full of love for her, just as Yours overflows with love for me.

Thank you for the gift of being a mother.  In this moment, she needs me.  Let me live in this moment, soak it all in, and always remember this feeling of holding this precious life You have given.  You made her and formed her.  I love her voice, her eyes, her hair, her face because I know You formed them especially for her.  

She calmed, she was asleep, and I longed for my bed, but I didn't move.  I held her, I rocked her, and I stayed in the moment as long as I could.  One day, she will not need me like this anymore, so let me stay in this moment and soak it all in.

The Warmth of Your Love

Faithful friend,

gentle companion,

you never expect more of me,

all I give is enough.

You curl up next to me and sleep soundly.

Your paws move; you are on the chase.

You are a dog on the hunt,

going for the kill.

You attack and catch a little scoundrel.

Was it a squirrel, a cat, a bird?

You wake.

You give a kiss, and I accept it.

I give you a pat, 

rub the belly, 

scratch the ears.

That is all you want, all you need.

You are my loyal comrade.

We go through this life together,

every hurt and pain, you lick the tears;

every joy and happiness, you jump and dance.

You give all of your love; 

it is all you have to give.

It wraps around me like a warm blanket,
it soothes me,
calms me,
comforts me.
I feel the warmth of your love,
and I will never forget.